(Bad) Jokes!

[Neil]

Q. What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?




A. Oh, Dam.



And bar humor:
A guy walks into a bar and sees this really drunk man slumped over his drink. He sits down next to him and waits to order. The drunk man says "When you drink this stuff, you feel like you can do anything, ya know??!?" To which the guy replies "I could use some of that right now." Our drunk continues "I betcha right now if I jumped off the roof of this bar I'd bounce right back uptop." At this point the guy shoots this really confused face and then replies "I think you've had a few too many." Our drunk however is quite insistant. "I'm serious. Lets go." Filled with morbid curiosity the guy follows the drunkard to the roof of the bar. The drunk yells out "Whooooo!!!!111 Here we go!!!111" and jumps feet first off the roof of the building. Sure enough he seems to bounce right back up and lands on the ledge of the roof, stumbles a bit and then steps back. 'Well, if  drunkard can do it, surely I can too!' thinks our sober but now emboldened friend, and off the roof he jumps, splattering on the ground dead. The drunkard laughs all the way down to his bar stool. As the drunk slouches back into his comfortable bar position,  the bartender says, "Ya know Superman, you're a reall asshole when you're drunk."

--
A priest, a rabai, and a pastor walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kinda joke?!?"

--
And finally, some bible humor:
Q: Who was the smallest man in the bible?



A: Peter. In Mark Chapter 14, Jesus chastises Peter for falling asleep on his watch.



Q: What type of car would Jesus drive?


A: In several places in the New Testiment, the Bible says that Jesus and his disciples left in one Accord. They were aparently bigger back in ancient times.


Q: What sport is mentioned in the book of Genesis?


A: Baseball gets a passing reference in the very first sentance: In the big inning, God created the heavens and the earth!




Ok. I'm done now.

[Nightcrawler]

It's about time the Court Jester did his job around here! Continue to entertain us! I actually chuckled at the Superman is an asshole joke.  I'm in an easy to please mood today.

[TechMaster]

Hehe, nice one Neil.

[Tintenfisch]

Hey lets all add some of our own.


Bar: One night, a man approached a bar and called for the bartender.  the bartender meets with the man who has a strange offer.  The man says "I bet you 250 dollars that I can pee into a mug from the other side of the bar and not spill a drop".  the bartedner is shcoked for a bit, then he agrees thinking it was some easy cash.

So the bartender put a mug down on one side of the bar while then man goes to the other side of the bar.  It was a good 10 feet and there's absolutly no way he could make this without spilling one drop.  So the guy who issued the challenge begins.  He pees all over the bar he pees on people and all over the bartender to boot.  The bartender at this point is confused, what the hell just happened.

When the bartender looks up to find the guy he notices that thenguy went to another table and was talking with the men there.  Before the bartender could hop over the counter and beat up the pee man.  The man went back to the bar and gave the bartender 250 dollars in cash.  "What's this for?" asked the bartender.  the man replied "Oh I bet those guys over there 500 dollars that I could pee all over the bar"


shorter ones.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheels down the front of his pants

"wow that must hurt" said the bar tender

the pirate replies "yarr it's drivin me nuts"



2 Irish men walk out of a bar

Yeah right HA HA HA


last one, another long one.


One day a frog walks into a bank.  He sits down at a desk and asks to take out a loan.  The frog notices that the woman sitting at the "loan desk"s' name is patty whack.  The frog thought this was funny but brushed it off.  the frog once again asked to take out a loan and that it be today.  But patty was still staring at the frog in disbelief.  "here" says the frog "give this to the owner of the bank, he'll know what it is, and tell him that it's from Mick Jagger".  The woman takes the object from the frog and looks at it.  All it is is a pink elephant.  So she does as the frog says and goes to the owner.

She shows the owner the elephant and the owners eyes lights up and he says

"oh that's a knick knack Patty Whack give the frog a loan, this old frog is a rolling stone."

[honookatana]

There are two fish in a tank.

One says to the other, "I'll drive, you man the guns."

[Nightcrawler]

I wanted to post on of old your mom/momma type stupid jokes, and I came across this which seems to be satire on those kind of jokes. It still keeps in the tradition of being a stupid joke.

One mom and one grandma sitting on the porch.

Mom says : How bout that strike on education?

Grandma says : Your mom.

Mom says : Jokes on you, your my mom.

[Neil]

your mom called. for tax purposes she said you need to drop dead.



Q. When the astronauts first got to the moon, they found bones. Why?


A. The cow didn't quite make it.


Q. Who was the thriftiest person in the Bible?


A. The Pharoes daughter. She went down to the Nile Bank and pulled out a little Prophet

A priest, a rabbai and a minister are out fishing on a lake. At the end of the day they decide to head back to shore. When they're about 30 yards out, the Priest says "Well, this is close enough." and gets out and walks on the water back to the shore. The minister says "Yeah, I guess it is close enough." and he too walks on the surface of the water back to the shore. The rabbai says "well, if those two can do it, so can I." and he steps out of the boat and promptly finds himself shoulder deep in the water. The priest looks back and sees the rabbai in the water, looks at the minister and says "We should probably tell him where the rocks are next time."

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?


A. Ground beef.

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, I don't want you in here!" The jumper cables say "Relax, I'm not here to start anything!"

[Tintenfisch]

A string walks into a bar and goes to order a drink.  hte bartender says "sorry we don't serve yor kind here".  The string feeling sad and angry goes into the corner and ties himself up in a knot.  He goes back to the bar and orders a drink.  The bartender says "didn't I see you a few minutes ago?" the string replies

"I'm afraid not" ha ha ha


2 atoms are talking to each other when one goes "oh no I lost an electron" the other atom says "really are you sure?" then the first atom replies "I'm positive"


What's the name of the man with no arms or legs with a shovel in his head? doug

man with no arms or legs and is nailed to a wall? Art

Yo momma so old, when I say to her act "act yo age" she drop dead sucka.

[mades]

uhm, i have an old joke, here it goes (you might have heard it)

Q: As the moron entered the bathroom, he noticed the medicine cabinet was on the floor. He then tiptoed over it. Why did the moron tiptoed over the medicine cabinet?


A: Because he didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills

[Gideon Zhi]

What do you call three lepers in a hot tub? Stu!

Why do lepers make good security guards? They can really keep their eyes peeled!

Why did the lepers stop playing hockey? There was a faceoff in the corner!

Why did the lepers stop playing football? There was a handoff on the 30-yard line!

What did the leper say to the prostitute? "Keep the tip!"

[Tintenfisch]

A man walks into a bar.  Second guy should of saw it coming.

a man with no arms and legs in the water? bob

on a grill? frank

a girl with no arms and legs on a grill? patty.

for some reason this is just funny when you tell it to people.  (Say it as one big joke)

how many leperchauns does it take to screw in a light bulb? one and a ladder.  Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? it had one leg, why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? it was tied to the first one.  Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? it though it was a game.  Why did the leperchuan fall out of the tree? one and a ladder.

Don't ask me it just makes people laugh when told.

[Next_Gen_Cowboy]

What did the ghost say to the bee?    BOOBEE

So 3 tomatoes are walking down the street a baby a papa and a mama and the baby starts falling behind so the pap runs up and squishes him and says "CATCHUP"

[geezup1]

Do any of these sound familiar  

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.  

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand more beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar; if not, then scream that you are being kidnapped

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

[geezup1]

An Irish man went to his first American baseball game. As the first batter made a hit, fans jumped up yelling, "RUN! RUN!"
The Irish man jumped up as well yelling, "Run, laddie! Run laddie!"
The next batter got up and made his hit. The fans again cheered, "RUN! RUN!"
The Irish man jumped up yelling "Run laddie! Run laddie!"
The third batter got up got ball 1...ball 2...ball 3...ball 4.....The umpire yelled "Take your base!"
The batter jogged to the base.
The Irish man jumped up an yelled "Run laddie! Run laddie!"
Another fan looked at him and said, "He does not need to run, he has 4 balls!"
The Irish man's jaw dropped, and turned and said, "Walk with pride, lad! Walk with pride!"


One day a Swedish guy walks into a dingy little storefront travel agency, holds up a page out of a newspaper, and says: "You say in this add that you have a wonderfull luxury cruise for only $69.95. I want to go on this wonderfull luxury cruise."
The guy behind the counter says "Sure. Do you have the $69.95 in cash??"
"I sure do", says the Swede, plunking the money down on the counter.
At that point, two big thugs leap out of a closet, whack the Swede over the head, drag his unconscious body out the back door, stuff him in a barrel and drop the barrel into a river that flows past.
A few moments later, a Norwegian guy walks into the same dingy storefront travel agency, holds up the newspaper ad and says: "I want to go on this $69.96 wonderfull luxury cruise."
The guy behind the counter says "Sure. Do you have the $69.95 in cash??"
"You betcha", says the Norweigian, plunking the money down on the counter.
Again, the two big thugs leap out, pound him on the head, drag his limp form out the back door, shove him in a barrel and drop it in the river.
After a while, the Swede and the Norwegian regain consciousness, and they find out that their barrels are bobbing along together.
The Norwegian says: "Good Afternoon. Tell me, do you happen to know if they serve dinner on this cruise?"
The Swede shakes his head and says: "No, I don't think so. At least they didn't last year."

[TechMaster]

Why is Bill Gates' mansion built underground?

A: Because he doesn't want to pay for "Windows".